Pre-season Predickshuns

March 31, 2010 at 4:19 pm Leave a comment

Every year, a bunch of players win awards. There are gold gloves and MVPs, Cy Youngs, Rookie of the Year..’s. And everyone gets really psyched over them. Who will win? Who deserves to win based on this obscure formula? Who should win based on an arbitrary measurement of heart and determination?

But honestly, I never remember who wins. It takes about three weeks, then, poof, it’s outta there, only to be remembered when referenced in a player’s bio page.

Last year, I think, Andrew Bailey won the Rookie of the Year. I remember that one, cuz I picked him to win. Maybe blogging will help me remember these trivial feats..

And Timmy Lincecum won the Cy Young. I picked him, too.

And Joe Mauer won the MVP. Called it..

Chris Coghlan won the other ROY..(Had to look it up) I didn’t call that. Probably because Chris Coghlan doesn’t strike me as very…good? I say fluke, Florida, but don’t worry I’ll make it up to you later in the post.

And Pujols won the other MVP duh. Stupid.

I think Zack Greinke won the AL Cy Young. Why yes! He did! That guy is so funny. I love socially awkward people, partly because I am one, and also because they say funny things no one else is willing to say. And in the context of a socially awkward person being a star athlete, where typical answers are either scripted or full of cliches, it makes me love Greinke even more. I recently stumbled upon a thread full of  quotes from him. Here are some:

At the All-star game:

Zack: Maybe Chipper Jones. Is he he I’m not even paying attention.
Reporter: No, he’s not here.
Zack: He’s not even here? Well, he would’ve been my favorite to face, if he was. Why isn’t he, have you heard?
Reporter: Well, the National League third basemen are David Wright and Ryan Zimmerman.
Zack: Is Chipper doing good? Why isn’t he here?
Reporter: He’s having a good year, just maybe not as good as those other guys.
Zack: He should be here. That doesn’t even make any sense. It’s like, I’ll vote Jeter in for the All-Star game the rest of his career, because you have to. He’s Jeter. And I’ll vote Chipper Jones in.

On being on the cover of SI:

There’s a lot more interesting stuff going on right now They should have something else on the cover. Playoff basketball or something else. So it’s a mistake. They’ll probably sell their least amount of magazines in a long time – except when NASCAR was on the cover.

On reporting about him:

You’re not allowed to write about me if you haven’t seen ‘The Shawshank Redemption,’ ” Greinke said. “See it, and then get back to me.”

And then there’s this interview.

Anyway, I was 5 out of 6 on predicting last years awards… so you should all listen to me, cuz this is what’s gonna happen:

The AL Rookie of the Year award shall go to Alex Avila of the Detroit Tigers. Gerald Laird shall succumb to his awful hitting and develop a drinking problem, leaving Avila to hit good.

The NL Rookie of the Year shall be presented to Stephen Strasburg of the Washington Nationals. Aroldis Chapman will be sad, but he should have thought of that before he decided to be Cuban and not a white douchebag from San Diego State.

The AL Cy Young shall go to Jon Lester of the Boston Red Sox. He is a very good pitcher. Sometimes people forget. But it’s true! He beat cancer and he can beat you!… Justin Verlander.

The NL Cy Young shall go to Clayton Kershaw of the L.A Dodgers. Because he strikes out many men, and also doesn’t let them hit things that aren’t weak ground balls because he is a crazy man child. Sometimes he gets tired in the 5th inning, but he will improve in that regard in 2010 just you watch! Also, as indicated by the picture on the right, Clayton is budz with minorities, so he’s extra kool!!1

The AL MVP shall go to Milton Bradley of the Seattle Mariners. Mark Texiera will be like wtf man. But no seriously, Bradley will channel the power he gets from his awesome name and the anger from his angriness into home runs and he will be great.

The NL MVP shall be awarded to Hanley Ramirez, who shall have his best year yet, and lead the Marlins to the playoffs on the heels of his batting a million with a million home runs and 500 thousand stolen bases (He’s been slipping in that department).

The AL playoff teams shall be:


The Boston Red Stockings of Boston

The New York Yankees of Hell

The Texas Rangers of Texas

The NL Playoff teams shall be:

The St. Louis Cardinals of St. Louis

The Atlanta Braves of Atlanta

The Colorado Rockies of Colorado

The Florida Marlins from the Gulf of Mexico

The World Series shall be won by the Florida Marlins over the Minnesota Twins. Because, remember, it’s 2010. It’s been 7 years. The Marlins are supposed to win every 6 years (They have won in 1997 and 2003 so far). But what if they work in a different pattern? Such as, they first win the Series after 6 years, then the number increases to 7, then 8, then 9. Or possibly in exponential increments of 6, 7, 9, 12, 16. I couldn’t speculate.

Either way, the Marlins don’t operate like normal teams. They win this year, as much as it pains me to admit the Twins won’t win it all..

Those are my predictions. Sorry to ruin the season for you.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention. Please acquire a bag of Morton’s rock salt. Consume the entire bag (Preferably you didn’t cheap out with the 20 pound bag). Now digest my predictions anew.


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Power Puntos + Offense Projections Thoughts on the Field of Target

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